Shame & Being Single

"So, why aren't you married yet? Maybe you just need to get out a little more, eh? What, too picky? Well, at your age, you really can’t afford to be so choosy…”

Perhaps like me, you've found yourself on the other side of one of these conversations. It’s usually a well-meaning relative who poses the barrage of questions between forkfuls of turkey and mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, while the rest of the family gradually tunes out the football game and tunes into my embarrassing conversation. Despite the Joshua Harris books, the John Piper podcasts, and the studies in 1 Corinthians 7, in those excruciating moments, I feel ashamed of being single.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the roles of women in the Old Testament. These ladies were living under the Old Covenant, when God's kingdom grew through physical births. Ever since the first family on earth received the creation mandate in Genesis 1 (be fruitful and multiply) women had been doing just that. They contributed to the growth of God's kingdom by bearing children and training them to know and worship the Lord. Sadly, women who could not bear children experienced tremendous grief and shame. Some were mocked or criticized by family members. Others saw their barrenness as a sign of God's disfavor.

I think many single women today feel a similar sense of shame and confusion in regard to being single. In my own heart and in conversations with other single girls, I have heard echoes of the struggles these barren women must have faced. Single women, too, wonder how we can contribute to the growth of God’s kingdom outside the roles of wife and mother. Sometimes family members say things that hurt our feelings. Like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and Hannah, we live in the faith-building tension of trusting in God’s goodness while certain good things are withheld.

As I looked into the issue of barrenness in the Bible, I came across a wonderful, prophetic directive in Isaiah 54.

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married… Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities.” Isaiah 54:1-3

This prophecy is about a new era, one in which the concepts of family, birth, and growth have to be reconsidered and redefined. And guess what? We live in this era! Under the New Covenant, single women don’t have to wonder if we can make significant contributions to the growth of God’s kingdom. His family no longer multiplies through childbearing, but through spiritual rebirth and the adoption of sons and daughters from many different families. Now, anyone can participate! More than any other person in history, Jesus expanded God's kingdom and He did so without getting married or having children. If there was ever any shame in being unmarried or childless, Jesus has removed it. In fact, he brought honor to those positions by embodying them during his life on earth.

I am determined (not successful, but determined) to esteem whatever gifts God decides to give me this year. I won’t be ashamed of my portion. Instead, I am going to break out into song, throw back the curtains of my tent, and strengthen my stakes. I want to introduce wandering orphans to the Father of the Fatherless, to my maker and husband.

P.S. Check out the rest of Isaiah 54. It's great!

Don't Despair

I was just reading Terry Virgo's blog post from this past Friday and was very encouraged by it. Here is an excerpt:

David lamented, ‘One day I’ll die at the hands of Saul.’ Clearly, the temptation to despair was very real for him. He was away from Israel, his homeland, and he thought, ‘I’ll be killed. It’s inevitable.’ He nearly gave up. But then he voiced that beautiful Psalm: ‘I would have fainted if I had not believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.’

Many good people have nearly despaired and have cried out in desperation to God. Elijah prayed, ‘Take my life from me.’ Others, like Moses and Jeremiah, almost reached the place of suicide. Perhaps you’ve been overwhelmed by similar dark thoughts and have cried out, ‘Oh, God, I can’t bear this!’ But somehow God has given you the strength to go on.

Sometimes the pruning is hard. Maybe your fiancé broke off your engagement or you’ve lost your job. Perhaps a loved one died suddenly. Maybe you had a disabling accident or discovered a close friend has cancer. In situations like these, we are tempted to despair. David nearly did. ‘Why have you rejected me?’ he asked God. ‘Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?’ But he refused the temptation to give in to hopelessness. ‘Put your hope in God,’ he urged his soul, ‘for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.’

If you'd like to read more of Terry's blog, click here.

Jesus, Rich in Compassion

As he was setting out on his journey, a man ran up and knelt before him and asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him,"...You know the commandments:‘Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’”

And he said to him, “Teacher, all these I have kept from my youth.”

And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. (Mark 10:17-22)

Neatly dressed, self-possessed, with an intelligent face and a purposeful stride--this is how I picture the man in this passage, who is referred to in the other gospels as the rich, young ruler. I wonder what was going through his mind as he wove his way through the crowds of Jesus' followers toward the Teacher himself. Did he glance discreetly at the disciples' rough robes and travel-worn sandals? Did he compare them with his own fine clothes and the glitter of the rings on his fingers? When he peered over his shoulder to make sure that his servants were still waiting with his camels, did he notice that none of these people had either servants or camels?

Whatever his impressions of Jesus' followers, the rich, young ruler managed to find Jesus and respectfully pose the question that would define him in Scripture. "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus starts talking to him about the law, and the rich young ruler shakes his head, unsatisfied with this answer. No, I've already tried that, he tells Jesus, wanting a different solution. So, Jesus offers this man a way out from under the law--sell everything you own and follow me, he says. The young man's face falls. This wasn't the answer he was looking for. Slowly, he turns and walks away.

The rich, young ruler stands out to me among the multitudes who came to see Jesus. Unlike many of his contemporaries, he understood that the law was not able to produce life in his soul. Sadly though, he still had the idea that righteousness could be obtained through the right system. So when he asks Jesus how he can have eternal life, I think he's not so much looking to be saved as he is searching for a better set of rules. When Jesus offers a new relationship governed by one rule--make Me your treasure--the man walks away disappointed.

Mark says it was Jesus' love for the rich, young ruler that moved him to offer such a challenging invitation. In his great compassion for us, Jesus will identify the thing that keeps us from following him and demand we give it up. Whatever it is, he will ask us to love him more than we love that.

Wendy Virgo on Influential Women

It's been pretty quiet around the office this week, so I've been enjoying listening to some podcasts and recordings. I've especially enjoyed a series of three talks that Wendy Virgo did on the topic of Influential Women. These talks cover the role of women, how this role reflects truth about God, and how we can uniquely influence the culture around us.

Here are links to Wendy's Influential Women series:
Session 1
Session 2
Session 3 (This is a link to the website where this talk will be posted--it's not yet available)

And here's a short bio on Wendy Virgo from the Newfrontiers website, in case you are not familiar with her.

Wendy is a popular speaker, traveling widely both in the UK and internationally. She has written many book including Leading Ladies, Women Set Free, Mainly for Mothers and Mary: Mother of Jesus. She is married to Terry Virgo and they have five grown-up children.

Anger Management

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not bring about the righteousness of God. Therefore, put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

Sin is frustrating. Frankly, it often makes me angry--angry with myself and angry with others. I can testify, though, that James' evaluation in the verses above is accurate: anger does not produce righteousness, not in me and not in others. Thankfully, God has given us some instructions in the verses above about how we can relate to one another in a way that shuts down anger and promotes righteousness, and how we can fight the inner battle of self-loathing and instead respond to the Spirit.

First, how can we respond to each other in a way that dispels anger and promotes righteousness? In typically practical terms, James says we can be eager to listen with understanding ("be quick to hear"), have a humble hesitancy to voice our own opinion ("be slow to speak"), and determine that we will not be easily provoked ("be slow to anger"). It's pretty simple advice, but in the heat of an argument, things can look complicated. My mind swirls with accusations and comebacks and "Oh no, you didn't!"s. I need simple.

What about when we are angry with ourselves? Sometimes I think my conscience has been replaced by the world's worst soccer coach. He berates me for all my mistakes, pointing each one out and telling me that I must be a fool, an idiot, an ingrate to keep messing this stuff up. But you know what? After one of those internal tirades, I never find myself resting in God's steadfast love or considering the ransom he paid for my sin. Do you know why? Because self-loathing is not repentance, and therefore, won't help us receive grace. Usually, this kind of anger is pride. I'm angry because I think I should have performed better than I did (the inner soccer coach takes over here), and I reproach myself out of pride.

So if I can't change my heart by reproaching myself, what am I supposed to do? Heaven knows I don't want to stay the way I am! James says first to "put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness;" simply, to stop sinning. Whatever it is, quit doing it. Then we are to "receive with meekness the implanted word." The Greek word translated as meekness is an interesting one. It means to be reined in, as in the way one would use the reins to direct a horse. It doesn't have anything to do with weakness, but with being controlled for a purpose. James says to receive from God as one being reined in, for the purpose of righteousness. And what are we to receive? "The implanted word, which is able to save your souls." I think this implanted word is the Holy Spirit, the ever-present counselor who plants God's words in our hearts to convict and encourage us. We can fire the angry soccer coach and rely on the Spirit to help us see our sin and turn from it.

A Fashion Manifesto....A Fashifesto?

I recently saw the fashion manifesto posted above on another blog and had to laugh....and agree. It can be found in its original form on the aptly-titled website, www.tightsarenotpants.com, along with downloadable, printable fliers.